Weight

Dedicated to all my brothers and sisters in Christ who suffer from mental illness. May God comfort you all. 

The weight of one thousand souls
Presses down on me
But there is no soul within

I live but I am not
Alive
I feel pain
But it is painless

I am angry but it is of no account
It is a surge, a tidal-wave of frustration
Of destruction
Flotsam, jetsam, froth and foam

Where is joy within? Laughter from heart?
Tears from sadness, anguish from true despair?
What is this man that thou art mindful of him?
Why must I go about with this dreadful yoke?

This unfathomable and yet ever present numbness
Is my suffering because I cannot
Feel my suffering

I do not want to live, I want to die
For in the grave there is no pain, no expectation
That one be someone who he is not, just is
Just an end

But I know the one who knows me
He knows my thoughts, and my pain
This weight I carry, but not alone
I take to my Saviour in prayer and he bears it for me

Even though the outward man perishes
The inward man is renewed day by day
And thus, at last, I shall stand, renewed
Body and mind

On this earth, and I will look upon my Redeemer
Who loves and has loved me with an everlasting love

And though my mind is embattled
My heart takes courage then

For I am strong, even though I am weak
For it is Christ who strengthens me

-Daniel Kok

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